On Saturday was the 10th annual walk to remember. It was our second year attending. The walk honors and celebrates the lives of babies gone too soon. “We take the steps that our babies will not get the chance to”. The organization does so much: from supporting grieving families, educating doctors nurses, midwives, has retreats and so much more. They recently changed their name to forever footprints to honor that. This year I’d imaged I’d have a rainbow baby in my arms or belly, never did I expect to honor yet another life. When I arrived and started to look around I realized that I shifted back to the anger portion of my stages of grief. I know in my heart that if my lyme disease was caught that maybe just maybe my babies would of had a chance. Seeing the sheer numbers of people over 4,000 people in attendance honoring 500 babies (now that’s 500 names read, so some like “myette’s four angels” that means much more than 500. That’s craziness, couldn’t help but think that some other losses beside mine could have been prevented as well. I tried to shift focus… This year they added a 5k run as well, prior to the walk and ceremony. I was thrilled when I read the news because I have always found running a great way to connect with my angels but unfortunately due to the difficulty I’ve had with my treatment I wasn’t able to. Luckily for the runners the race started at 7am, because it was still cool on this unusually hot October weekend in Orange County. I think there was about 150 runners, my husband included. My son and I cheered daddy on who was wearing the memory sticker provided in one of the many tents “For my Four Angels”. He ended up winning the race. Very proud.
We took some time after to walk around the different booths, purchased a blue balloon for our rainbow Ryan (all proceeds went to the organization). We had some of the free coffee, feed the boy some breakfast. Soon enough it was time to walk over to the ceremony. They had it set up beautifully: pink and blue balloons all around. It hits you like a ton of bricks when you walk up to the staging area: the enormous amount of people, the grief, people with pictures and tshirts with the faces of the most beautful angels, posters with cute nursery rhymes that will never be sung face to face on earth…..love, pure love. There were a couple speakers. The board of director first and then Sean Hanish the creator of Return to Zero (www.returntozerothemovie.com). Please check out this movie if you haven’t already. It is based on the story of when they lost their son, he was stillborn. It’s wonderfully done. I’m sure you know someone who has experienced a loss and that just gives you a glimpse to our world..the good and bad. What I took from everyone up on that stage was that they cared. They cared about each and every baby that was lost and all of us left behind. After they were done speaking Peter Bradley Adams sang Brand New Wings. I can’t imagine a dry eye in the place. The ceremony finishes with each baby (ies) name being read aloud and the parents walking the aisle to receive a beautiful white rose. http://www.//foreverfootprints.org/oc-walk-to-remember-live. Then we were off to walk the steps our babies would never take. Even though still somber I think this is where for me it shifts to a celebration. I remember last year I think the was the first time during the walk that I felt my babies presence. This year I had that sentiment too, and gratefulness. Of my two year old, my family, my supportive husband and hope for the future. Also of the time I had with my angels from seeing those two pink lines, to every twinge and burst of love in my heart. That’s what I think a lot of us feel on this walk…. It was HOT this year but luckily they had a couple of water stations and the way back provided a couple of shady spots. The district is an outdoor shopping mall and they had various booths set up along the area for the celebration of angels. The was Now I lay me down to sleep, Race to the Rescues, Return to Zero and several others. This year they had us all gather by the movie theater so there was more room and had Peter Bradley up on stage with a full band. He played some lively country type songs where the cutest little girls got up on stage to join in. Up neighboring wall there was a video slideshow of so many beautiful angels. I urge you to attend and event like this whether or not you’ve had a loss or not. It’s a great way to show that all life matters and it’s a way to take care of us parents who have gone through the unimagnable.
As some of you know I had another visit with my LLMD in San Diego this week. It’s always nice to see San Diego even if it is for a Doctors visit. First up: test results as i mentioned in a previous post I had my CD 57 tested. I was never a science gal (more language and lit type), I know it has something to do with natural killer cells. I’ve heard this term on pregnancy loss boards. Anyway it has to do with your immune function. Normal is 60-360. I am 65. So the positive is while it’s low normal, it means my immune system is doing something. What gives me pause here is that is these natural killer cells are firing, you could that have contributed to my pregnancy losses as well? Makes sense since my body was already attacking foreign “things” inside. What gets me upset here is this could be a test any obgyn or say a fancy Beverly Hills endocrinologist could of thought of…I asked no begged the ridgecrest Ob to be referred out to a Maternal fetal medicine doc. My twins heart beats were mid 80’s and 90’s respectively. So almost where they needed to be, almost. The doctor said no, I wasn’t high risk….idiot. Moving back on a positive-ish note. My MSH was 38, normal starts at 30. So again low but low normal. That is your exposure to neurotoxins. Treatment: Those that know me personally know I’ve had a rough go of it recently. I’ve been herxing pretty bad, headaches, flu like symptoms. So we’re changing up things a bit. I’m lowering to one dose of Omnicef, sticking to one of plaquinel and adding minocyline (probably next week, I want to enjoy my weekend away). Sticking for just one a day for now. We’re also adding in a multivitamin and magnesium to hopefully help the head. In addition we’re going to be starting a detox kit of three different herbs to target the lymphatic system, kidneys and liver. Next appointment is in November, although I have a naturopath phone consult later this month. What else My son is still looking good. He started gymnastics officially and loves it. We are heading to Orange County for the Walk to Remember this weekend (hopefully). I’m sure I’ll have a recap of that.
So I thought I would give an update to the last post of life as a military wife. I had several ladies reach out in person or in email. Thank you ladies. On the other hand one of the gals from the team un-friended me on Facebook. Ouch.
Somehow thinking of Naughty by Nature puts a smile on my face despite tackling this tough subject. So EDD: Estimated Due Date. Those of us who unfortunately find ourselves in the loss community are all too familiar with these three little letters that loom over our heads from the date of our losses to the actual day itself until….well forever really. In two days marks my EDD of my most recent loss.
My first EDD happened to coincide with Thanksgiving, shortly after. Usually it’s the days ahead that hurt the most rather than the day itself. My next EDD happened right smack in the middle of my birthday and wedding anniversary, the month of love: February. This one stung a lot because pretty much everyone I knew in the small town where I live was also pregnant and due right around the same time. I went into hiding for a bit, took a much needed Facebook break and hiked and spent quality time with my little family (I may have also consumed a bag or two thousand of m&m’s….). I finally came back out of hiding only to run into someone who knew of my loss, never mentioned her own pregnancy and I was greeted smack dab in the face with a big ole bellah. I did, however receive a ton of support from friends, family and aquaintences. Those emails, phones calls,cards and messages meant the world, so thank you again. Of course you want everyone to experience a healthy happy pregnancies, I wouldnt wish a loss on my worse enemy but somethings that may drive us loss mamas crazy are: silence (a little goes a long way in way of support for example: I’m sorry for your loss), complaining constantly about your healthy pregnancy, or after birth about anything and everything baby related. There are so many people that would saw off a limb to be in your position.
And what TO do: Well this EDD was August 9, one of my oldest and best friends is due very very close to this day. How fun that could of been. I’m not going to lie, initially it was tough but this friend was supportive throughout my loss and healing, was appreciative of her pregnancy despite working a full time high stress job. She always checked in on me, even as the date approaches despite her excitement for her own pregnancy. So thank you friend, and I am so thrilled for you and your family. I cannot wait to see your little babe and when I could home to meet him.