I Just Want my People, I Just Want All my People…and the late Holiday ramblings 

Below is a draft I had started prior to Christmas and then ran out of time. The title is a quote from my son as he was about to say his goodbyes to our family on our last day home. It took everything I had in my heightened sensitive self (and I mean I’m a Pisces so….more on all of that later. Here’s before Christmas and I’ll finish up with more current stuff since man things have changed …

I had meant to update this around Thanksgiving but then my son and I were trading colds and after that I was in the midst of a honeymoon of sorts. Lyme and pregnancy is a funny thing. I felt a lot worse early, first few weeks or so with neuro symptoms and conbimed that with morning sickness…but for the most part since second trimester I’ve almost felt like a normal person. It’s crazy really. I had the realization while I was reading a story to my son that I had a clear head. There were days I went for a walk, made dinner, did crafts, cleaned and did laundry…ALL IN ONE DAY. And it didn’t leave me feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck wih a fever. This went on for months and I just recently had a short flair I’m recovering from. I had one day of a low grade fever, a migraine and some fatigue. I think a lot of that is attributed to my husband up late working on papers and waking up/leaving earlier than normal. I’m a light sleeper and he’s ya know a man… Just shows you how crucial sleep is. I need my solid 7 hours during treatment/pregnancy to feel good. I’m on my way back to good, I just need to pace myself.

Lyme stuff

I hadn’t added the supplements yet because we have had a lot going on and I’ve wanted to avoid a herx. I’ll probably start after Christmas. I also need to go in for bloodwork (they send me to outside labs and honestly I wanted to avoid germs before the holidays as best I could). My Lyme doc just called early in the week to check on me. I so appreciated that and she was pleased with the baby’s progress. 

Baby update 

Ive had a couple scans in the last couple months. My initial anantomy scan right after thanksgiving and a follow up due to advanced maternal age this week. The first one she was facing my back, spine out and hiding under my c-section scar so while they could see what they needed it too awhile and I didn’t get many pics. They saw a little freckle on her heart but said that actually was common and she was fine. I’m high risk for several reasons:  Lyme, a preemie, previous lossss and being old…just that alone gives me more scans which is fine by me. This week she was in a great position and cooperating so I could see a lot of her. My high risk doc said everything looked good “normal”. Normal is probably my favorite word. I go back in about 4 weeks ago. Fine by me. Between these frequent scans, finally feeling movment and my Doppler I can breath a big…

Some PAL accomplishments…(Pregnancy after loss). I went into a maternity/baby store without too much panic and purchased a couple of items. May not seem like a lot if you’ve never experienced loss…but it was. I also have been going to a prenatal yoga class. This was huge for several reasons:  during my yoga teacher training I experienced my first loss so I have this subconscious association weirdly enough because I love yoga so much, but also because it’s hard after recurrent losses associating as “pregnant person”. It’s like a im a “pregnant person but” (but just waiting to lose the baby, but I’m only pregnant for now, but even though I’m pregnant everyone else pregnant gets a baby but me etc etc). So I needed something to give me a positive place in pregnancy, a way to embrace it. And to bond with my baby girl. I mean this is it, my last pregnancy. I need to find a positive space in it. And it’s truly helped. Thanks Dragonfly yoga! I purchased two baby items:  a cute Vera Bradley onsie and a diaper bag. 

Current events:

Let’s start with the bad. My Lyme honeymoon is OVAH. Christmas Eve was busy. A good busy for the most part but busy nonetheless. Started baking all day with my son, decorated the tree with everyone , church where i unfortunately had to stand the whole time (thanks to a sick lady who sat right behind us so I had to relocate) , my husband’s aunts place and then more fesitivities at my aunts place. 

It all fell into a horrible place when I realized I left my new bottle of methyguard at my aunts (important for detox, heart function, getting crucial to baby folate) and it was too late to go back, it was a full moon (Lyme always flares up then) i hadn’t packed a dinner, and then when we got back are way too late. When dinner rolled around I had hoped to get by with a veggie, or salad but there’s was only meat or gluten options. Ack..so I wolfed down the Meds I did have with some GF crackers I found in my bag. It was a late night there so I was super hungry and ate far too at my aunts when we got back. 

By the time it was bedtime I couldn’t get my heart rate down. It felt off…and then I had my first major apnea incident in over a year. I had finally dozed off and woke up with a shot:  hr high and I was short of breath. From there it was up, down, all over the place. I also had major chills, I mean I was FREEZING and shaking (keep in mind it was 70 degrees in Massachusetts that day.)  It took hours to get my heart rate back to stable point: small sips of water, and arranging my stack of pillows even higher than normal. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. Truth me told I would of gone to the ER had I known they probably wouldn’t be able to do anything  anyway and I didn’t want to ruin my three year olds Chritmas.

More Lyme 

I have had some days where I haven’t felt that bad. Some days old normal Val comes through but Christmas Eve was truly disheartening. I haven’t felt that bad in over a year. Pregnancy “honeymoon” is one thing but that was the worse in a very long while. Right now I have a bad pressure headache and major sound sensitivity. The football game my husband is watching is making my head feel like it’s imploding … Some days the brain fog has returned, not every day. It’s up and down down and up. I have my next appointment rescheduled to the beginning of February. 

The baby

She’s doing well. Strong heart beat at my last OB appointment. I see my high risk doc again on Tuesday. Things are falling into place. But I fear my ability to take care of her. Did I make a mistake in thinking I can do this? Will my Lyme ravage me to the point I can’t handle a baby? I have some hope that my Lyme doc will help me figure things out but then I move….again. Ack. 

There’s no place like home 

The last few months seeing family has been great. We’ve been to weddings, holiday gatherings, seen some friends (not everyone that we’ve wanted to though). I just wish we could be done with this lifestyle. I’ve gone weary. This past week has marked the one year passing of my aunt. It’s another reminder of this distance keeping us from being there for the good, the bad, the hellos and goodbyes. I want roots, stability, my son to have his “people” as he calls them. Even if we lived out of state due to a job there wouldn’t be such uncertainty of the next visit.

As we sit here waiting to find out where we are heading next, I am riddled with anxiety. Living in California was awful. Too too far Away. Living with a disease and no help, losing babies without moral support…the loneliness .. life for the most part just the two of us (I mean 5 with the beings but as far as adults are concerned)…I don’t want to head back to that place where my spirit was. It was lonely. 

  

I have so many great pictures to look back on from the holidays…they help. As my son said:  “I want my people, I just want ALL my people”. 

Whole lotta happenings

A little over a week ago I had my first Virginia LLMD appointment. Oddly enough we drove a hour and some change to a small, gorgeous rural little town. Situated in essentially a large brick home is Dr. S office. We were created by two therapy dogs (how awesome is that) a small jack Russell and a lab like Chester 

     
As usual leaving a big Lyme appointment my heads spinning a bit but I’ll try to wrap it up nicely as possible. The doctor is a gyno as well so I thought that would be a good fit and I was right; she was. We talked about adding PC liquid (part of the PK protocol) and calbuhtrate. One is for repairing cell membrane, help building baby’s brain, and help the abx not stick to baby’s genes and the other helps detox.:or a combo of them. She also wanted me on Ox bile but seeing I’m a vegetarian we nixed that. We talked about adding some herbs if Bartoella symptoms worsen and maybe Mepron of babesia picks up since my previous herbs aren’t pregnancy safe. I can add back plaquinol if need be since my MFM cleared it. Plans for birth are doing cord blood testing through igenix and she encourage trying for a vbac. I’ll be going to labcorp to retest my thyroid and check vitamin D levels. Hopefully the déjà vu Lyme stuff that’s been popping up will clear (one apnea incident, low heart rate, and one tongue biting incident). My next appointment is in Decemeber but I’m thinking of pushing it back to Janurary so I don’t overwhelm myself during the holidays.

We went to the Marine Corps Marathon over the weekend. I had originally signed up for 10k and even fundraised for fisher house . After the cramping incident post wedding and something similar on a smaller scale after two hour of shopping at Wegmans I decided it was in our best interest for me to forgo the run. Even walking for 6.2 would be two much. I’ll stick to jogging 5k’s when I can. It was still great weekend though:  good time with family, my cousin’s first 10k, my aunt PR’d and my husband completed his 10th marathon. I only have a slight cowbell injury.  

   
Yesterday while cleaning up, putting the clean dog bed back together (The pooches got groomed while we were away), the phone finally ran. As I sprinted to it and strained to here while my son was having a meltdown in his room I hear it’s my MFM office. Results are:  everything came back low risk and we are having a girl!!! So relived for now but I’m sure I’ll have anxiety for my anatomy scan that is coming up in a couple weeks. Thank you everyone for your prayers and please please keep them up. I know they’ve helped. I had my routine Ob appointment today, baby girl’s heart rate was prefect and nothing new to report. I’ll see them I a month. This decale was on the wall today:   

 
Next up:  MFM in two weeks, finding a dentist and lots of little boy school activities. I’m hoping to have a boring rest of the pregnancy. Until next time…

The countdown begins

Day 1:  Bear with me as I lose my mind. This may help the time pass a bit. I started the day with my son’s field trip. That helped put me in a better mood as he had a blast on his first field trip…the only dagger to the heart was after the all of the official activities I sat with his buddy’s (the little boy donned a Red Sox hat next to Ryan’s Pats hat) mom . She turns to me:  “is ryan your only one”. *sigh* “yup my one and only”…

Then it was off to the MFM to pick up the kit. Where it was broke to me that it probably will be more like two weeks before I get the results. I could of sworn I read on the site 7-10 Calender days. They said they’re calling either way with results… The lab down the street was empty and the done quickly…tick tock tick tock

I started feeling crummy today. Could be from eating my weight in organic candy corn and chocolate the day before but honestly my biggest Lyme aggrivator has been stress. It sets a flare in motion like nothing else.

I used my home Doppler:  perfect heart rate at ~160. I’ve been able to find her heart rate most times since about 9 weeks and it’s always been spot on. How can she not be ok? Doesn’t make sense. Both trisomy 13 and 18 usually have heart issues. 

While we especially remember the whole month, yesterday we lit candles for the international wave of light for infant loss and miscarriage awareness day. We remembers our four babies and prayed we wouldn’t add a fifth…

The nights have been the worst,kind of like deployments when you’re sad and scared thinking the worst. Probably didn’t help that I spent atleast an hour on Google comparing our baby’s ultrasound with that babies with confirmed cases of the trisomies. I’ve thought from the beginning the head looked a little small, the facial features a little tiny. I had tried to reassure myself that maybe since we think it’s a girl that is why. But who knows, maybe not. I looked at Ryan’s baby book (that may have set off some water works) and looked at his ultrasound pics….have I mentioned I’m losing my mind?! I’ve stayed up until 1/2 am watching HGTV but for some reason the on demand wasn’t working. Doesn’t direct tv know that it’s crisis time over here? 

Starting day 2 of waiting buying some boots. Hey we have seasons now and they were on super sale. Totally justifiable. Time to start our day soon…tick tock tick tock