Below is a draft I had started prior to Christmas and then ran out of time. The title is a quote from my son as he was about to say his goodbyes to our family on our last day home. It took everything I had in my heightened sensitive self (and I mean I’m a Pisces so….more on all of that later. Here’s before Christmas and I’ll finish up with more current stuff since man things have changed …
I had meant to update this around Thanksgiving but then my son and I were trading colds and after that I was in the midst of a honeymoon of sorts. Lyme and pregnancy is a funny thing. I felt a lot worse early, first few weeks or so with neuro symptoms and conbimed that with morning sickness…but for the most part since second trimester I’ve almost felt like a normal person. It’s crazy really. I had the realization while I was reading a story to my son that I had a clear head. There were days I went for a walk, made dinner, did crafts, cleaned and did laundry…ALL IN ONE DAY. And it didn’t leave me feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck wih a fever. This went on for months and I just recently had a short flair I’m recovering from. I had one day of a low grade fever, a migraine and some fatigue. I think a lot of that is attributed to my husband up late working on papers and waking up/leaving earlier than normal. I’m a light sleeper and he’s ya know a man… Just shows you how crucial sleep is. I need my solid 7 hours during treatment/pregnancy to feel good. I’m on my way back to good, I just need to pace myself.
I hadn’t added the supplements yet because we have had a lot going on and I’ve wanted to avoid a herx. I’ll probably start after Christmas. I also need to go in for bloodwork (they send me to outside labs and honestly I wanted to avoid germs before the holidays as best I could). My Lyme doc just called early in the week to check on me. I so appreciated that and she was pleased with the baby’s progress.
Ive had a couple scans in the last couple months. My initial anantomy scan right after thanksgiving and a follow up due to advanced maternal age this week. The first one she was facing my back, spine out and hiding under my c-section scar so while they could see what they needed it too awhile and I didn’t get many pics. They saw a little freckle on her heart but said that actually was common and she was fine. I’m high risk for several reasons: Lyme, a preemie, previous lossss and being old…just that alone gives me more scans which is fine by me. This week she was in a great position and cooperating so I could see a lot of her. My high risk doc said everything looked good “normal”. Normal is probably my favorite word. I go back in about 4 weeks ago. Fine by me. Between these frequent scans, finally feeling movment and my Doppler I can breath a big…
Some PAL accomplishments…(Pregnancy after loss). I went into a maternity/baby store without too much panic and purchased a couple of items. May not seem like a lot if you’ve never experienced loss…but it was. I also have been going to a prenatal yoga class. This was huge for several reasons: during my yoga teacher training I experienced my first loss so I have this subconscious association weirdly enough because I love yoga so much, but also because it’s hard after recurrent losses associating as “pregnant person”. It’s like a im a “pregnant person but” (but just waiting to lose the baby, but I’m only pregnant for now, but even though I’m pregnant everyone else pregnant gets a baby but me etc etc). So I needed something to give me a positive place in pregnancy, a way to embrace it. And to bond with my baby girl. I mean this is it, my last pregnancy. I need to find a positive space in it. And it’s truly helped. Thanks Dragonfly yoga! I purchased two baby items: a cute Vera Bradley onsie and a diaper bag.
Let’s start with the bad. My Lyme honeymoon is OVAH. Christmas Eve was busy. A good busy for the most part but busy nonetheless. Started baking all day with my son, decorated the tree with everyone , church where i unfortunately had to stand the whole time (thanks to a sick lady who sat right behind us so I had to relocate) , my husband’s aunts place and then more fesitivities at my aunts place.
It all fell into a horrible place when I realized I left my new bottle of methyguard at my aunts (important for detox, heart function, getting crucial to baby folate) and it was too late to go back, it was a full moon (Lyme always flares up then) i hadn’t packed a dinner, and then when we got back are way too late. When dinner rolled around I had hoped to get by with a veggie, or salad but there’s was only meat or gluten options. Ack..so I wolfed down the Meds I did have with some GF crackers I found in my bag. It was a late night there so I was super hungry and ate far too at my aunts when we got back.
By the time it was bedtime I couldn’t get my heart rate down. It felt off…and then I had my first major apnea incident in over a year. I had finally dozed off and woke up with a shot: hr high and I was short of breath. From there it was up, down, all over the place. I also had major chills, I mean I was FREEZING and shaking (keep in mind it was 70 degrees in Massachusetts that day.) It took hours to get my heart rate back to stable point: small sips of water, and arranging my stack of pillows even higher than normal. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. Truth me told I would of gone to the ER had I known they probably wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway and I didn’t want to ruin my three year olds Chritmas.
I have had some days where I haven’t felt that bad. Some days old normal Val comes through but Christmas Eve was truly disheartening. I haven’t felt that bad in over a year. Pregnancy “honeymoon” is one thing but that was the worse in a very long while. Right now I have a bad pressure headache and major sound sensitivity. The football game my husband is watching is making my head feel like it’s imploding … Some days the brain fog has returned, not every day. It’s up and down down and up. I have my next appointment rescheduled to the beginning of February.
She’s doing well. Strong heart beat at my last OB appointment. I see my high risk doc again on Tuesday. Things are falling into place. But I fear my ability to take care of her. Did I make a mistake in thinking I can do this? Will my Lyme ravage me to the point I can’t handle a baby? I have some hope that my Lyme doc will help me figure things out but then I move….again. Ack.
There’s no place like home
The last few months seeing family has been great. We’ve been to weddings, holiday gatherings, seen some friends (not everyone that we’ve wanted to though). I just wish we could be done with this lifestyle. I’ve gone weary. This past week has marked the one year passing of my aunt. It’s another reminder of this distance keeping us from being there for the good, the bad, the hellos and goodbyes. I want roots, stability, my son to have his “people” as he calls them. Even if we lived out of state due to a job there wouldn’t be such uncertainty of the next visit.
As we sit here waiting to find out where we are heading next, I am riddled with anxiety. Living in California was awful. Too too far Away. Living with a disease and no help, losing babies without moral support…the loneliness .. life for the most part just the two of us (I mean 5 with the beings but as far as adults are concerned)…I don’t want to head back to that place where my spirit was. It was lonely.
I have so many great pictures to look back on from the holidays…they help. As my son said: “I want my people, I just want ALL my people”.