A rainbow or another storm….

After our last loss I remembering thinking: could I do this? Could I try again and go through the pain of another pregnancy loss…after a lot of soul searching and the resounding answer was no, absolutely not could I do this again. Physically my Lyme would get worse, I’d feel terrible, m 

 entally it would take me to darker places than I’ve been before and I just didn’t think I’d be able to get out of it…

And then during many months of Lyme treatment I started to reflect on the intense lonliness I faced. I thought of months and months of not having an adult conversation. I thought of prior to my diagnoses my son being invited to birthday parties and then after he was left out. I thought of the general lonliness I’ve faced so many times as a military wife…

I had decided depite my dreams of having two or three children that Ry was enough for me, that my sweet, funny caring boy was enough. He’s been the answer to so many prayers and just a joy….but then thinking of that despair and lonliness o faced it started to hit me that as a military child I never wanted my child to feel that low. I wanted him to have a forever friend. I wanted him to never feel how I’ve felt so many times. My siblings are great and even though I don’t see them as much as I’d like I know they have my back. Heck during part of my worst days last year my brother flew down to help out with ryan last year….I wanted to have that for my son. I could chance going through hell one more time and the anxiety that pregnancy would bring if only I could do this one thing for my child..:if only. 

My first Lyme doc, a naturopath that did the testing (through igenix) and diagnosis had told us we had to wait a year and then we could think about trying again. I felt so good all summer, not remission good but on the path. Seeing that I was 35 so it was now or never really… That thought was all it took. Shortly after moving to Virginia I found out that I was pregnant again.

Cue the fears, the anxiety ridden trips to the bathroom, the dread of doctors appointment. My first scan was early 5/6 weeks and they couldn’t measure the HR. We could see it though. I thought that was it. I thought that was the end there. Then because of my high risk status (advanced maternal age, Lyme disease, recurrent pregnancy loss and a preemie) I was sent out for two more ultrasounds. They looked great. Baby was super active. I breathed a sigh of relief, thanked God…but I was not excited.

I thought maybe after that we would share..nah let’s wait until we clear first trimester. I had an appointment with maternal fetal medicine. We had the NT, Scan which I had with Ry. They look for neck measurements to look for things like Downs Syndrome, the blood test that goes with tests not only for downs (trisomy 21) but trisomy 13 and 18 as well. So the scan looked good ..should we tell then? No..let’s try and wait to 18 week scan. I’m started to show but let’s not jinx this…

Then as i tried to combat my upset stomach I chewed on a ginger chew a couple weeks ago..and broke a tooth. It’s been hard to find a holistic dentist. Extra important with a high risk pregnancy to make sure they don’t force a risky route canal and they can handle extractions safely. Stress. I had already had a Lyme doc appt scheduled for this month, MFM , 2 Ob appts, a cardiologist (MFM wants to check heart function with pregnancy and Lyme) not to mention all my son’s school functions and a trip to MA for a family wedding. 

The ball on the stress continued to roll at the end of the wedding when my back pain I had been experiencing worsened and I began spotting and cramping. I called the OB on call and he told me pelvic rest, and to go to ER if it gets worse, he fears a miscarriage…

At 5:30 that morning the back pain was unbearable, expecting the worse I headed to ER in the pitch black. After blood work and a scan the baby looked good. Super active…we had to tell people because we left our son sleeping at my aunts. And at that point what the heck, I guess we have to tell people now. I reluctantly accepted congratulations and well wishes. As hard as they were to hear I though maybe just maybe I could feed off people’s excitement and positivity since I have none of my own, detached. 

On the long ride back to where we live I got a call from my MFM’s office saying I need to come in for a consult. Fuck. So that means my first Tri screening came back for trisomy 21, 18, or 13. I could barely sleep last night and made it through preschool drop off , on to the cardio, preschool pick up, quick trip to feed the boy at Starbucks and then to face the music at MFM.

My stomach lurched as we pulled into the driveway (I had ry). I sit down as she tells me that it’s positive for downs , ok Id love my baby no matter what and do whatver for her…and then I see it say negative next to 21. “Oh I meant 13/18”. Those abnormalities essentially make babies incompatible with life. You will lose these babies in pregnancy, shortly after birth or within the first year of life. There is no way to know right now which trisomy is showing positve by my blood with this test. It screens for chances and mine is high after testing… Higher than prior. Next I can do a panorama test which will tell me which is positive alone with any other abnormalities and high risk/low risk …. The only way to know for certain is an amniocentesis. This carries a risk, albeit small for miscarriage. I can decide to do this as early as next week or when I get results from my next screening. Ten days from this Thursday. 

There will be no cute announcements with Ry finally in a big brother shirt, there will be no pink or blue balloons or cupcakes…please don’t don’t congratulate me. Don’t point out my belly. Just pray, please pray that I can’t get through this, whatver the case may be.

Why is this so easy for some people. As I sit here writing by the river, I wonder why…alone. 

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