The Art of DNS and Other Did Nots but Hopefully Wills Somedays

DNS little letters runners cringe at, did not start. The starting line is a place of uncertainty, expectation, endless possibilities. A place where you put hours of miles logged, trainings and hope. When you can’t even get there it’s a tough pill to swallow.
My last DNS was at the RNR relay. I had signed up with one of my oldest friends who lives in OC now, not too long after we lost our last pregnancy. Running has been therapy for me. A place to regain strength, to be. I happened to be downwind of a cough a few days before and just knew I’d catch a cold. Sure enough the day before we were to leave I woke up with that “oh no” feeling. This is why I’m a bit of a germaphob. It’s so important to wash hands, cover coughs (elbows…. I cheered my hubby and friend on, but it still stung. I worked my tush off for this race. I had just run my fastest mile ever in training and finally felt like I had been released a little from the physical and mental grief of losing my latest LO.
My next DNS will be Ragnar which is a week from today. Granted my health has declined a lot recently but who’s to say if I kept up my training that I wouldn’t be doing a lot better. When I has spoke with my naturopath about feeling better after exercise where I sweat she had mentioned I could be killing of some bugs….(I was also doing grape seed extract on my own)so who knows. I will say it stinks because I had planned so much if it. An overnight relay was on the run bucket list. Maybe some day…. Having things to look forward to have always been great for my mental healthy.
Which brings me to the other did nots. I’ve been chatting with some folks this weeks with chronic illness about how people, invitations disappear for the most part at some point. Let me say this, we’re not leppers . You will not catch Lyme, chronic migraines, fibromyalgia, lupus, whatever the case may be from us. We may commit to something and then have to back out because most of these illnesses are unpredictable but I will say the invitation means the world. I’m not writing this for anyone to pity us but to understand. This week a friend thought of me when signing up for a race. That made my heart smile. I hope I get to electric run with you L.
What hurts my heart most is what my son is missing. I mentioned on my personal Facebook page how he was trying to play cars with our dog. During my bad weeks/days I’m really horizontal. On my good days I do my best. We do art projects, go to the library, have Starbucks dates, swim….Sometime out of town doctors appointments we’ll go to a museum or watch boats. But as a former school teacher I know how important that social piece is. I used to take him to the play group after running club but it’s really too hot for me to run (even on my good days) so he can’t go… And aside from that there are no play dates or invitations for the most part.
Im looking in to gymnastics for him and maybe an extended visit home at some point so he’ll have kiddos and cousins to play with. Ahh such as military life. It’s hard sometimes.
I’m not moping, just being real. I know some days these did nots will become do’s.


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